Self Compassion
My morning reading these past few days has been a book titled Self Compassion, by Kristen Neff, PhD. Compassion is such an important quality to have these days. It is different from self-esteem in that self-esteem is a belief that I am worthy of respect whereas self-compassion goes much deeper into having a sympathetic consciousness of other peoples’ suffering and a desire to alleviate it. The word compassion literally means “to suffer with”. When we are feeling compassion we feel warmth and tenderness, as well as a desire to help ease the suffering in some way. By connecting through suffering, we acknowledge that we are all interconnected and we all feel the same pain. Compassion binds us by the heart to humanity.
Self-compassion involves directing that desire to understand and erase suffering towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail or notice something you do not like. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality or judging yourself harshly for not being perfect, you desire to ease your own suffering with kind words and thoughts.
How often do you practice self-compassion? How often do you choose tenderness and care towards yourself when you are going through a tough time? How often are you patient with your shortcomings, your setbacks and mistakes? How likely are you to collapse into self-judgement and shame when you do something wrong or life throws you a curve ball? How quick are you to find your flaws and mistakes and pounce on them, allowing a monologue of criticism to run through your head for a few minutes? Hours? Days? These running monologues of negativity can have profoundly negative effects on our mood, sense of self-worth, relationships and health. As our minds sabotage ourselves through this ongoing pattern of negative self talk, our self-worth bobs up and down like a buoy in a hurricane. Luckily, there is an easy fix.
Utilizing self-compassion, we can turn the tides on the devastating effect of self-judgement and begin inviting in a new view of ourselves and our well-being. When we are able to have compassion for ourselves, when we can become our greatest cheerleader and ally, the world stops feeling like a jungle. We can rest and relax in knowing we are okay, we will get through the tough times, and we can connect deeply with our suffering so we may help ease our own pain.
If you are wondering how to start on the journey of cultivating self-compassion, here is a quick exercise to start changing your relationship with yourself.
Pay attention. Start noticing your thoughts and when you become aware of yourself starting down a path of of self-destruction, take a minute to breathe and sit with the thought.
Label it. Once you are aware of it, label it to give yourself some distance from the emotional reaction the thought brings. If you were just shaming yourself for eating a cookie, stop, breathe, and say to yourself, “Oh look, there is that negative self-talk again.” Thoughts don’t inherently have meaning. Labeling the thought helps the mind to see that it is just that, a thought. Thoughts only have meaning when we apply meaning to them. So, naming the thought, calling it out, gives you a little distance from the emotional hold it has on you.
Lastly, LET IT GO. Find a visualization that works for you and give yourself a few mindful breaths to allow the thoughts to dissolve. Some clients imagine the negative words slowly disappearing with each out breath. You can imagine erasing them with a huge eraser. I had one client that liked to imagine Pac Man gobbling up the negative thoughts. Whatever image works best for you, take a few minutes to breathe, let it go and move on.
We all struggle, It is inherent in the human condition. The practice of self-compassion allows us to face our obstacles and speed bumps with a sense that we are on our own team, and part of a bigger team, called humanity. With practice we begin to understand we have inherent value just because “we are” not because of what “we do”. This knowing give us permission to establish a healthy and authentic sense of self that can help us more effectively weather the storms that life brings. Through this process we become more self-assured and are able to let go of fear and anxiety and embrace our lives more authentically, understanding we are not perfect and that is okay.